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Written by Professor Hu Flung Poo
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Friday, 18 July 2008 |
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There is a new craze that's causing a boom in the food service industry, well kind of. It's foodless restaurants.
Guy Pierre, of Des Moines, Iowa founder of "Aucune Nourriture" or "No Food", is ecstatic. "For years food researchers have asked for smaller food portions in the restaurant industry. At Aucune Nourriture we do nothing by half measures! We go all the way for the consumer, and in this case we take away the food so the customers are not distracted by the service!"
Many may scoff at the fifteen dollar foodless plates, and the five dollar water fee, but the foodless restaurant industry is fast becoming a huge business.
"Talk about low overhead, ha, it's more like no overhead!" Gushed Guy. "No food means no refrigerator systems, and that means a cheaper electric bill. With a 20 dollar charge we can afford some of the hottest entertainment acts in town!"
Cindy Martindale, 42, had this to say, "I have been going to the Aucune Nourriture for the last three weeks and have lost over 40 pounds! I have tried so many ways to lose weight and this is the first thing that actually worked! Also, I never have to wait for my food as there isn't any! I always hated that about other restaurants." |
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Man Throws Salt Over Shoulder, Penis Grows Two Inches |
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Written by Nate
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Tuesday, 15 July 2008 |
A Pennsylvania paper plant worker threw salt over his shoulder and an amazing thing happened; his penis grew two inches. "I was so shocked I nearly fell out of my seat!" said 36 year old Philadelphia resident Arlo Johnson. "I was at lunch and saw a pile of salt on the table, so I did what I always do, and tossed some over my shoulder. Then faster than you can say erectile dysfunction, Blammo! I was hung like an Italian Stallion!" Elmer Tidwell, 32, a co-worker of Johnson had this to add, "I was eating my Philly Cheese Steak, thinking about how I was gonna tell the missus how we all was gonna get laid off if the napkin industry didn't pick up real soon, and then old Arlo started screaming, 'My penis! Oh my god, sweet Jesus, my penis!' We all thought it was another folded paper napkin tragedy like we had last year with Pete." But that was not the case. "I looked up and saw Arlo whipping his pants down, and everyone was yelling and screaming. Old Mamma Tucker fainted! Then we saw why he was so excited. I remember yelling aloud, "Look at Johnson's Johnson!" exclaimed Sally Wintersby, an accountant for the paper plant. What happened next has been described as complete and utter chaos. "It was complete and utter chaos!" describes Arlo. "There was so much salt flying in the air, the whole cafeteria was like one giant snowglobe!"
Sales for salt in the Philly area have skyrocketed as stores sold out within minutes of each other. Black market prices have salt going for 15 dollars an ounce, when it usually goes from 35 cents to 50 cents a pound.
One female resident has claimed to have gone from an A to a C cup, but that story has not yet been confirmed.
"It just goes to show, that some of the superstitions have some truth to them," bragged Arlo. "Now excuse me, while I go home and surprise my wife!"
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Last Updated ( Tuesday, 15 July 2008 )
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