ARIES
(Mar. 21- April 20)
    Yippee!  Due to a mix up at Netflix “Hotel for Dogs” got replaced with “Darlings with Donkeys 9”  Get out the tissues and lotion and prepare yourself for you first romantic evening you've had since September.

TAURUS
(Apr. 21- may 21)
   You were always were a rebel, and due to never compromising your free-wheeling lifestyle you find yourself flipping burgers for a living.  Good for you!  At least the whiskey and pot keep the pain from realizing what a worthless loser you are to a bare minimum. 

GEMINI
(May 22-June 21)
   You were right, that terrible smell from your crotch is not just your poor hygiene.  Here’s a clue, it’s what audiences do after a show. 
 
CANCER
(June 22-July 22)
 You’ll feel a conflict in the next few days as if you are being pulled in different directions.  Time to make a decision.  Move out of your mother’s house and face the world at a brave 30 years of age, or tuck tail and hide for another decade in a  booze and pot induced delusion that you will one day make a life for yourself.    

LEO
(July 23-Aug 22)
     Look out!  You might feel like the king of the jungle, but that restraining order keeping you from your last fling comes back in full force.  That late night drunk dialing to win your loved one back is one thing, but passing out naked in front of their house naked is a completely different story. 

VIRGO
(Aug. 23 -Sept. 23)
    You have nine days to live. 

LIBRA
 (Sept. 24 -Oct. 23)
    Friends will be a bother to you, if you had any.  Your mother will ask you to help with the family fortune as she’ll need you to move your grandparents to a bigger freezer.  Got to keep those social security checks coming in!

SCORPIO
(Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)
     We all know what sex freaks your sign can be, but how you scored a new low is beyond me.  Setting up a sign that says, “Hotdog inspectors, 7.00 dollars an hour” with an arrow pointing to a hole, and then standing behind the sign with your “hotdog” ready for inspection, wow. 

SAGITARIUS
(Nov. 23 -Dec. 21)
     They’re not your children.  Wait for the mail to run, and watch the postman give an extra special “delivery.” 

CAPRICORN
(Dec 22.- Jan. 20)
       Your search for true love may have ended with Patrick Swayze’s untimely death, but you can always watch “Dirty Dancing” and “Roadhouse” over and over again.  That would have been the only chance you would have had with him even if he were still alive.  Maybe start with something easier to bed, like Ron Jeremy, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, or David Hasselhoff.  

AQUARIUS
(Jan. 21 -Feb. 19)
      Your phone is ringing off the hook this week!  Looks like your get pretty popular with collections when you didn’t pay your bills!  But hey, that tattoo on your left shoulder depicting a dove holding a wounded deer in its beak landing on an aircraft carrier in flames floating in a goldfish bowl was worth it, right?

PISCES
(Feb. 20-Mar. 20)
       Today dawns a nice surprise as you find that your landlady will take sex for your overdue rent.   Too bad she looks like the land lady from “Kingpin”!