ARIES
(Mar. 21- April 20)
     Today you need time to reflect, but don’t do it near a mirror you ugly bastard!  Try reading a book, but not those sticky mags you have under your bed.  It might seem nothing is going right for you today, because it is true.  You are one unlucky loser.  Think about it, does the world really need you taking up it’s oxygen?

 TAURUS
(Apr. 21- may 21)
   If you somehow gotten lucky and not frightened your possible soulmate away (soulmate is defined as someone whom doesn’t puke when they see you naked), then do something nice for them.  For males, invite a female friend over and get busy.  For females, just pretend to listen to their crap for a few minutes, occaisonally nodding and saying things like, “I understand.”  Works everytime.

  GEMINI
(May 22-June 21)
    You're much more thoughtful today which isn’t saying much.  You find it hard to deal with things right now as you are one lazy, whiny person.  But at least you are unique, thank god!
 

CANCER
(June 22-July 22)
 Time to face reality.  Match.com gives out free six month memberships for those of you who cannot find a compatible partner.  It’s now been three years!  Time to start making toast in the bathtub.  Now you’ll see some sparks fly!

 LEO
(July 23-Aug 22)
     It’s time to settle down and take stock of your life.  Oh, that’s right,  you have no life.  Unless you count those weekend excursions into those veneral disease infested dens you call nigthclubs trying to hook up with drunk idiots who are just as shallow and desperate as you.   Good luck with that, loser.

 VIRGO
(Aug. 23 -Sept. 23)
    Put on your caring face, as people really want to tell you their problems, but don’t worry, nothing they have to say will really matter since they are just as lame as you.  Pretending to care is one of your strong traits, and has landed you in the sack more times than you can count, which also make you a whore.  Way to go!

LIBRA
 (Sept. 24 -Oct. 23) 
     Telling everyone at “Flippy Burgers” that this is all temporary, and that you plan to go college as soon you get back on your feet is great.  Too bad they can read you name tag which shows you been “Serving flippy burgers with a smile since 1998.”  Go home, take a good look in the mirror.  Pretty pathetic huh?  Don’t worry, when you are playing "Rentar the Magnificent" on that online Role Playing game you play, everyone likes you.  Go slay them dragons, winner!


SCORPIO
(Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)
     We already know Scorpios are the oversexed group of the zodiac signs, but this last stunt is big even for you.  Playing “Booty Health Inspector” at all the local night clubs which involved all the ladies inspected to remove their clothes and have their bootys inspected by your “probe” might have gotten you some free tail, but it also landed you in jail.  Guess what?  There are all kinds of “booty Inspectors” in prison, and they are curious to see how healthy yours is.

  SAGITARIUS
(Nov. 23 -Dec. 21)
     The voices, voices!  Why won’t they stop?  Word of advice, quit being a pussy and listen to the demons.    

 CAPRICORN
(Dec 22.- Jan. 20)
   More like Crapicorn!  Take a good look deep inside yourself and realize there is nothing there but a hollow empty shell.  My advice to you is just start putting out, whther it is men, women, donkeys, parking meters, whatever.  It won’t help that little speck of self esteem you have, but it might make up for the fact you have no personality whatsoever.

 AQUARIUS
(Jan. 21 -Feb. 19)
    Boyfriend too good to be true?  That is because he is.  Put out and see what happens.  Oh and by the way, your coworker that you got into a fight with last week?  They pissed in your coffee this morning. 

 PISCES
(Feb. 20-Mar. 20)
     Trouble in bed?  Hahahahahahaa!  Seriously, when is the last time soneone real was in your bed?  Get a life, lose 40 pounds, and buy some cream clear up that rash.  Then you might meet someone who’ll degrage themselves enough to sleep with you.