ARIES
(Mar. 21- April 20)
     Try listening to others around you this week.  It's not like you care what they say, but it may give you a chance to not seem like such a jack ass.  Success is indicated in education, but lets face it, the only things you can remember about school were how to ditch class and how much alcohol you could drink before blacking out.  The weekend promises a night of romance, most likey solo.

 TAURUS
(Apr. 21- may 21)
   This week you'll find anything is possible, for everyone but you!  Time to hit the meds.  Problems that come to your attention fade away once the xanax kicks in.  Time to close that romantic relationship that's never going anywhere.  Candy the phone sex operator needs to learn to take no for an answer!

  GEMINI
(May 22-June 21)
    Your spouse is coming home and you made a mess!  Uh-oh, who spilled the cocaine?  You did, and the dead hooker on the floor is going to get you in the dog house for sure!  Word of advice, get some duct tape, garbage bags, and some bleach.  Let your imagination do the rest!
 
CANCER
(June 22-July 22)
 You'll feel like the judge the next few days as your friends come to you with all their problems.  We already know your sign is the most indecisive and insecure of all the Zodiac.  Just fake it.  You are looking forward to the day to astound others with your cleverness.  Don't expect that day to come anytime soon!

 LEO
(July 23-Aug 22)
     Rich and crazy Uncle Lou has you in the will.  He's also getting older and demanding more visits that include bathing him while he plays with his "old soldier."  Time to for Uncle Lou to have an accident, don't you think?  Suicidal overdose or a friendly shove down the basement steps should do the trick. 

 VIRGO
(Aug. 23 -Sept. 23)
    Most Virgo are well known for being particular and fussy.  Except what they bring into the bedroom.  This week proves it as you find a cancer more messed up than you.  True love!  This loser wants to play fire man and have you drink from his hose.  Just do it.  If you don't, then he'll whine all night about it and even break down into tears.  And later that night you should feel happy inside when he rolls over and cuddles with you as he says, "I knew you loved me in that special way, mommy."

LIBRA
 (Sept. 24 -Oct. 23)
     You may find yourself leading a group this evening.  Too bad it's on your role playing game.  Real life, not so much.  Romance is to be had this week, if you can afford her fee.  50 dollars for someone to come near your nasty ass is a bargain!

SCORPIO
(Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)
     You're out on the street again, as your friends kicked you out of their house last night.  Sure, you were found asleep on the couch with your hand in your pants, a can of crisco beside you, and the tv on the Animal Planet network.  Time to move on to the next group of suckers who'll take you in.

  SAGITARIUS
(Nov. 23 -Dec. 21)
     Deciding to get all crazy and have unprotected sex with a stranger you brought home from the local night club might not be so much fun after all.  Peeing green, milky fluid along with that burning crotch rash is not a good sign.  Get your ass to a doctor, quick! 

 CAPRICORN
(Dec 22.- Jan. 20)
   Aren't you glad you decided to rebel against your parents and instead of going to college you got knocked up your senior year?  Instead of a nice house, car, and decent lifestyle, you got Dan, an abusive, pot-bellied drunk.  Lucky you!  The fact that he had all those cool tatoos and rode a motorcycle more than makes up for the fact you live in a trailer with four kids. 

 AQUARIUS
(Jan. 21 -Feb. 19)
    You are not paranoid.  Your spouse really is cheating on you.
 
 PISCES
(Feb. 20-Mar. 20)
    You have such a passion for the underdog.  That's why you get stuck with all those losers!  Time to stay single and get a plant.  Christ, you'll probably screw that up too.  Just get a movie about plants.  That might be safe even for an idiot like you.