This is my first attempt at this, but it was funny as hell.  I hope you have as many laughs reading these as I did writing them.

ARIES
(Mar. 21- April 20)
     You will enjoy socializing and unusual forms of entertainment this week as you are into BD/SM and donkeys. Relatives may be less than easy to deal with, especially granny who won't part with her T.V. so you can score some more Oxycontin.

 TAURUS
(Apr. 21- may 21)
   You will be moving on to better things, as your landlord is evicting  you today for not paying the last six month's rent. Call someone you haven't seen in a long time, like your parents, and guilt trip them into letting you stay at their place.  C'mon, free room and board, and when they bitch about you not having a job, throw a temper tantrum and blame them for making you this way.

  GEMINI
(May 22-June 21)
     If your boss grabs your ass at work, go for it!  Getting a raise for putting out is awesome!  Besides, if it doesn't work out at, then sue him/her for sexual harassment.   Your uncle will reveal that he's really not your uncle and that he's some stranger who liked to play "What's in daddy's pocket with you."  This will cause a collision with the planets of Saturn and Pluto, and people will laugh and mock you in your hometown forever.

 CANCER
(June 22-July 22)
  You will be highly entertaining when in contact with your lover, but the games are over when she contracts that venereal disease you've been neglecting to tell her about.  Oppsie!  Opportunities to make make money will develop this week as you mingle. You can also enjoy doing things that include children.  Just don't combine the two as that's child prostitution, you ignorant bastard!  

 LEO
(July 23-Aug 22)
     You might feel that someone lets you down in a big way today, but you're just on your period. It's time to quit stringing that boyfriend or husband along.   For further sympathy points you can tell him you had a miscarraige. Thanks to the influences of Uranus you are likely to have more gas than usual, and can easily hurt yourself. Dont be afraid to ask your friends for some objective opinions, but don't hesitate to bitch them out if they tell you something you don't want to hear.

 VIRGO
(Aug. 23 -Sept. 23)
     Tonight all will be revealed when those pictures you thought were erased off you computer of you having sex with Catherine "Porkchop" Lazenby are hit by a computer virus and mailed to all your email contacts in your address book and your friends on myspace.  Word of advice, get a gun, some bullets, and really think about how it sucks to be you.

 LIBRA
(Sept. 24 -Oct. 23)
    Work or school will pose no problems as you have no job and dropped out of school when your were 16 years old.   Romance is looking very favorable and your taste is at its height too, but one word of advice:  Get on a diet, because no one likes a porker.  Your friends can be a great comfort as your planet goes into a negative swing.  Mooching is fun, and if they get too uptight about,   then tell them you have ass cancer and the doctor says you have three weeks left to live.  

SCORPIO
(Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)
     A build up in the upper houses of Mars will cause a major negative vibe, and will cause you to call into work so you can play video games and surf the internet for porn.  You will find that the selfish bastard in your sign will keep you from giving money to the homeless lady you meet hanging out at the laundromat, no matter how many times she claims she hasn't eaten for three days.  Your sign's extreme sexual nature will kick in, however, and you'll give her 15 bucks for a handjob behind the laundromat while you wait for your clothes to dry.

SAGITARIUS
(Nov. 23 -Dec. 21)
     You will find that you need to control your temper today when your bitch of a wife won't shut up about your drinking.    Sure, it would feel real good to slap her, but she knows where you sleep, and you remember that guy who lost his "little fella" to a vengeful wife.  Find comfort in jerking off to 60 Minutes or the Nigthly News.  That way you'll be smarter and more relaxed.

CAPRICORN
(Dec 22.- Jan. 20)
   You feel a little sad today, and let's face it; it's because you are a complete loser.  You can't find a romantic partner to share your life with because your whiny, psycho self indulgent bullshit drives even the clinically insane away.  Invite some friends over, and listen to what they have to say.  You won't like what they have to say, but don't worry:  You pissed in the punch bowl before anyone showed up.

AQUARIUS
(Jan. 21 -Feb. 19)
     Remember that tingling feeling you've had ever since you had sex with Bob from Accounting?   That's not love, honey, that's crabs!  Get some medicine and remember to keep your pants on next time!

PISCES
(Feb. 20-Mar. 20)
     Tonight there will be a visitor to your home.  Will it be a cop, lover, or delivery person?   Who cares, you are a ho and you would do the entire House of Congress if you could.  If your partner is a Cancer expect some shitty foreplay and possible erectile problems.  When this whiny water sign tells you that he or she can't possibly compete with your former lovers tell them you are a virgin.   Cancers are gullible idiots and fall for this shit everytime.