Here's another round of Dirty Horoscopes!

ARIES
(Mar. 21- April 20)
     Stop being a pussy and pull the plug on that machine that's keeping you grandmother alive. She wouldn't want the hospital get what's left of her savings if she could talk, would she?  Granny loves you, and wants to see you happy.  What would make you happier than a Xbox 360 and a 50 inch Plasma Screen HDTV?  Do the right thing, pull the plug, and make sure you get that antique silver tea set before cousin Danny.  He doesn't understand the sentimental "value" of the set.  You could sell it on Ebay for 250 bucks cash, easy!

  TAURUS
(Apr. 21- may 21)
     You may find it hard to take a realistic approach to your emotions today, and that's from the oxycotin you've been taking all week long. Even as you read this you feel it's effects hitting you, freebish frumbish Napoleon Lincoln!  Dogs warbling in the wave!  Liquid silk and vagina dynamo bags!  Fly a kite, you milkmaid, you!

  GEMINI
(May 22-June 21)
    Dont be surprised at a letter or a phone-call from a distant relative!  They will tell you they are from foreign lands and have the equivalent of 20 million US dollars invested in their foreign bank.  Due to civil conflict and possible war, they need to get that money out now.  If you are so kind, and give me, er them, your bank account information, they will transfer the money, and let you keep 20 percent of it.  My advice is go with your heart and do it!

 CANCER
(June 22-July 22)
  It could be hard to make a decision about things since life seems so complicated right now. Actually it's just that you're a whiny bitch who could take a simple decision such as "original" or "extra crispy" at a KFC drive-thru and turn it into a ten minute affair as you mull over the possibilities and grasp your hands in anguish.  Here's a hint, douchebag.  You will be hungry tomorrow and the next day too.  This isn't a life or death decision.  If you get the extra crispy and accidently choke to death, well, you did us all a favor and stopped wasting our oxygen.

  LEO
(July 23-Aug 22)
     You might find yourself adopting the persona of many different characters, depending on your mood of the hour.   God, you are one fucked up individual!  One minute you are wearing a hockey mask, and the next you are proclaiming yourself dictator of Cuba.  Get back on the Loxapine, schizo!  You will have a special smile that brightens any room, but that is just your homemade grill you created using aluminum foil and staples.  Your only hope is electro shock treatments and a strait jacket.

 VIRGO
(Aug. 23 -Sept. 23)
     With the fiery sign of Aires descending, you are ready to reinvent yourself with a new look.  I suggest the "Paper Bag on Head" treatment.  It's your only hope.  An old friend will come from a path less traveled with a question, "Why are you avoiding me, and where is my fifty bucks you owe me?"  Explain to him that according to the clash of Jupiter and Mars, your financial woes are in full swing, but if he would look into the sky he should be able to make out the first signs of Leo rising.  By the time he stops looking and turns around you should be long gone.

 LIBRA
(Sept. 24 -Oct. 23)
     Fantasy is likely to play a large role in the events of the day, but don't go around dressed as a knight, stabbing people with a sword again.  Your friends are not demons, and killing them will not send their tormented souls to sweet sugar rock candy heaven land.  Seriously, stop screwing around and get some help!

  SCORPIO
(Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)
     Scorpios are the most selfish and perverted of all the signs.  Was it really necessary last Christmas to knock over the Salvation Army kettle so you could stare at the homeless lady's ass as she bent over and picked up all those coins?  Honestly, Scorpios would whack it to gay donkey porn if they could.  Due to a rising moon/pluto conflict expect  to lose patience with a new friend.  Take it easy on her!   "Tricosha" is new to the strip club business and she didn't know you would be tipping with quarters!  

  SAGITARIUS
(Nov. 23 -Dec. 21)
     College Students:  What are you doing?  You didn't pay attention all semester in English Lit because you were too busy staring down that girl's shirt who sat in front of you, and cramming the night before won't cause you to pass the final anyway.  So stop studying and go get hammered!  Yeah, this is the final straw and if you fail this class you are expelled from college, but hey, after tonight and the wonderful STD you will get from it, you won't mind having to sack groceries or asking "Do you want fries with that?" for the rest of your life.

 CAPRICORN
(Dec 22.- Jan. 20)
   You will feel irritated and itchy today.  That's from the crabs you got off that toilet seat.  There's a reason they have those paper liners available, moron!  Your bad habits and attitude today will cause you to get a spanking, which is weird since it's your mother spanking you and you're 37 years old.    People will talk when you eat that candy bar floating in the pool.  That's not a candy bar, shmuck.   It's from your two year old cousin.  Word of advice, telling people that the corn in the "candy bar" was "surprising yet delicious" would not be a good idea.  

 AQUARIUS
(Jan. 21 -Feb. 19)
     You've worked hard all year long, and when you went to ask for a raise from your boss, and he said it wasn't in the budget, that made you mad, huh?  Do the right thing and make your boss some brownies.  Make sure to use plenty of eggs, flour, sugar, chocolate, and Ex-Lax, with a whole lot of the latter.  When your boss is shitting blood in the bathroom, sneak into his office and make some prank calls to the higher ups and send out fake memos such as "Friday is Naked Day" and "Jane from Accounts Payable likes to be pooped on."  When your boss gets fired, the new guy should be more understanding, or he'll be getting the "Brownie Treatment" too.

 PISCES
(Feb. 20-Mar. 20)
     Pisces, what the hell is a Pisces?  That has to be the dumbest name on the Zodiac.  It must suck to be you.  I would say you will have romance in your future, but you have to have a personality first.  Go to Hot Topic, buy some clothes, and be a pretend Goth, which at least would put some make up on your face and help hide that hideous mug of yours.  You could also be an Emo freak, and cry to some wailing rock songs about how life is too hard to bear while you cut yourself to release the pain.  You could also pretend to be a skater punk and bust your nuts or head while sliding down guard rails and edges of balconies.  On second thought, just tell everyone you are a Scorpio, as it's much better to be a pervert than a boring loser like you.